Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
