Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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