I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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