I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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