Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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