shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
