I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
