dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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