i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
