You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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