I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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