with your own penis?
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
handjob tips. give me some.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
