remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
