I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
