Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
handjob tips. give me some.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
