I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
