I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
