I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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