Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize