Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
