totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
