my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
