I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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