I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize