you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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