i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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