she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
