Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
