i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Randomize
