Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
