He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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