i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
