I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
