I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
