smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
