Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize