is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
