I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Randomize
