his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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