I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
