I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize