Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
