wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
