Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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