end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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