Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize