You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
