I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize