OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
There's always time for handjobs
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
