We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
