Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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