community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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