it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
