i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
