Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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