This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
