The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
